No Tears
by SHolmes4
Summary: AU Since John's death, Dean has to take care of Sam and they move back to their old home town. Where Pastor Jim gives him a task of helping some of the troubled kids... One in particular needs a lot of help.  D/C
1. Don't I know it?

Since John passed away leaving a 22 year old Dean in charge of 15 year old Sammy he figured the move to be closer to Pastor Jim was a good plan. He never understood why his old man had left the town to begin with, Pastor Jim was there and so was Bobby with his auto shop; but in the end it probably boiled down to the bad memories.

It had a been a month since they settled in, Sammy was doing well in the private school that Pastor Jim was in charge of; not like that was any surprise. The Pastor was a great help since that was the only school in town and would have cost a fortune if they had to rely on the money he got working for Bobby or Sam's after school job. Dean wasn't too excited about Sam working, though it did give the kid extra spending money for school lunches or hanging out with friends.

Sam was an all star at school, he was super smart and growing freakishly which could have been a set back; but it wasn't. Needless to say he was a lot different than how Dean was in high school. Pastor Jim and John liked to call it his rebellious stage; he stayed out too late and partied too hard. Dean liked to think of it of his don't give a fuck stage, which was exactly what it was, he didn't like school so he didn't go and he chased after anyone who even batted an eye at him. Grant it, his dad didn't have a clue about the sex or so he hoped; it could have been a lot worse if he strayed further down the drug path.

Dean's not sure what happened, but he just woke up one day and realized that he was setting a piss poor example for his little brother. Even if he still took care of the kid when his dad had work etc, Sam had the potential to be whatever he wanted and Dean would be damned if he didn't get it.

Long story short that's how he found himself every Thursday night talking to troubled kids at Pastor Jim's outreach program; it started as just a favor, but the higher ups had a meeting and thought it would be best to teach through example. There was one kid in particular that Pastor Jim wanted Dean to make the special effort with and his name was Castiel and boy calling that kid rebellious was putting it mildly.

Compared to Castiel, Dean looked a fucking saint; but there was a real sob story there. That is if the rumor's where true, Pastor Jim wouldn't tell him for sure; but from what Dean heard Castiel was the bastard child of a priest. No joke, a fucking celibate catholic priest; no one knew if the indiscretion happened before or after the guy became a priest, but it certainly would explain a lot.

Even though the school was opened to all, it was still a religious school and it seemed that this kid abhorred anything to do with religion; which could you blame him? To Dean's eyes it seemed like all the 17 year old wanted to do was find new and frightening ways to shock others and make his mom prematurely grey. It was always a surprise for Dean to find that they had somehow managed to get the guy to show up every week, considering how out of control he was.

That's how they found themselves, locked in an epic staring match after all the other kids had left and they had the extra hour to themselves.

"So," Dean cleared his throat, "I guess you're the special project, we'll meet after the group secession." He explained.

"I am aware," the gravel voice replied.

Dean was surprised at the tone he didn't know any 17 year old that had a right to sound like that and he'd be lying if he didn't kind of find the guy attractive. Not like he'd act on that or anything, those days for where long behind him; plus while the kid seemed numbed out and unassuming, Dean could tell Castiel wasn't naive and knew how to use his looks to get what he wanted.

"Great, um I know you heard the whole shpeal before, but it's true I've been in your shoes, man."

"I doubt they'd fit," Castiel deadpans looking intently at the ceiling as he sat ramrod straight in his chair.

"Ha Ha, funny," Dean glares at him, "Look, I don't want to be here anymore than you do, but Pastor Jim helped me when I was in trouble and so I'm returning the favor here."

"I am not… 'in trouble'" he quotes.

"Right," he rolls his eyes.

"I am only here, because it gets my mother off my case for the week."

"Fair enough," Dean nods, "I'm just saying we should talk or whatever, I'm here to help."

"I do not require help," Castiel's blue eyes flare.

"Calm down, dude…Christ," he swears unable to help himself the other man tilting his head like he's sizing Dean up, "I'm not the bad guy here," he pulls out a piece of paper with his number on it, "If you need to talk or need help you can call me, I'm on your side, Castiel." The teen glares at him with his piercing gaze, Dean trying not to squirm under its intensity, "What do you do that's so horrible anyway."

"Nothing," his gaze falls as he studies the pattern of the wood desk, his hands under the table.

"I doubt that."

"I have no faith, ok," Cas snaps at him irately, "Not the best place for that."

"Cas…" Dean looks at him, it's clear that even though that might be part of the problem, there's definitely more going on. At first glance Dean would assume drugs of some sort, which he couldn't tell because that was never really his thing, and defiantly an attitude.

"We're done," the dark haired boy stands up abruptly, grabbing his bag as he heads out the door.

"See you next week," he sighs, he was so not qualified for this crap. Dean already had a semi moody teenager at home; he really didn't need to deal with one who was ten times worse.

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	2. All the things that you've seen

An: The titles are from the James Blunt song No Tears...

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><p>Dean had decided to talk to Sammy about Castiel, he might be younger than the guy; but in high school news travels fast. He brought home some pizza after his shift Friday night and brought it up as they were eating.<p>

"Hey you know that Castiel kid?" Dean asks casually around a bite of pizza.

Sam shrugs, "Novak," he states the guys last name, "They say his mom is crazy and talks to angels and his dad was some creepy priest that knocked her up."

"Huh," he nods around a bite of food.

"I dunno if it's true," he offers, "He also skips class a lot, and he has no friends… or at least none that go to St. Michael's... You helping him that thing for Pastor Jim?"

"Uh, yeah," Dean nods.

That could be helpful information the next town over had a public school he remembered; he wasn't sure what truth there was in the info Sam gave him. It was enough to hopefully strike up more of a conversation, or at least strike a chord with the guy. Dean was just glad he had a week to mentally prepare for that, he wasn't sure that his past troubles where half as bad as the kid he was forced to help.

Dean pushed it all from his mind, that is until Sunday night any way; he had to work late at the shop so it was almost eleven when he was on his way home. Earlier he made sure that there was food in the house and that Sammy would be ok by himself all day; the kid said he had school work so Dean wasn't too worried, he still felt bad about it though.

He figured he'd swing by the burger joint and grab himself some dinner; Sammy would be in bed by the time he made it home anyway. As he was pulling around to the drive through he saw something fairly suspicious, there was a slender form leaning into a window of the car then getting in. Dean shrugged it off as someone just being picked up and proceeded around to the drive through. Surprisingly there where a good few cars in the line ahead of him, which was kind of odd for a Sunday night; after what seemed like ages he finally got to place his order.

When he drove around to the window to pay, he saw the same car as before still parked in its spot. A minute later the form from he saw before, emerged wiping his hand over his mouth and looking around until blue met green. There was no mistaking who the kid was, dressed in jeans and a too tight tee shirt, was Castiel looking like a deer in the head lights. Quickly, the dark haired man schooled his features lit a cigarette and walked off into the night.

Dean wasn't an idiot, he had a fairly good idea about what had transpired in that car as the owner, a thirty something, threw it in reverse and sped away. He pulled up to the window, paid and drove off in the same direction as the kid. He didn't make it far before he came upon the kid, leaning across he rolled down the window.

"Hey," Dean shouts out the open window.

"Go away," the deep voice greeted him, not looking away from his path.

"Why aren't you at home?" he wondered, sounding scarily like his father.

"I had an appointment," Cas replies cryptically.

"That what they're calling it these days?"

"Why?" he halts turning, causing the Impala to stop its slow path, to look at Dean through the window, "You interested?" He smirks casually.

Dean's a little taken aback at first before swallowing down whatever was trying to bubble up, "Nah, jailbait ain't my style," he smoothly replies.

"Shame," Cas turns starting to walk again, "You're awfully pretty," he says flippantly.

Pretending not to hear the last statement, Dean knows he can't just leave the kid on the street, "Get in," he orders.

Castiel stops, turning again toward him with his head tilted in a question, "Change your mind?"

"No, I'm taking you home."

"I didn't order a taxi," he snaps.

"Does this look like a taxi?" Dean asks mildly affronted. "Just get your stubborn ass in the car, Cas…your mom's probably worried."

"She's unaware," Cas states cryptically.

"Get in the fucking car," He snaps, "It's late, I'm tired, my food's getting cold and I won't be able to sleep unless I know you aren't roaming the streets doing god knows what!"

Whatever Dean said or maybe it was how he said it, but Cas's blue eyes scrutinized him before he steeled his features and got into the car.

"I could just leave after you drop me off," he states as Dean drives away.

"As long as I think you made it home safe, it doesn't matter," Dean tells him as he starts to eat his burger.

Ten minutes later the pulled up to cookie cutter 1950's house, all it was missing was the picket fence and the perfect nuclear family. Castiel opens his door and is about to jump out before Dean grabs his shoulder and looks the kid in the eyes.

"I meant it earlier," he starts, "If you ever need anything, call me."

Cas' eyes soften like he's about to nod in agreement, then his eyes harden again the walls falling back in place and he shrugs Dean's hand off, "Get lost," he huffs out dangerously, "I don't need you."

"Right," Dean shakes his head, there's something going on with this kid and the struggle Dean sees in him painful to watch. If he was a praying man he would have prayed that he didn't fuck anything up with this kid; it was clear that happened enough.

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	3. Nobody has to say

AN: THANK YOU ALL! ENJOY!

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><p>Thursday rolled around again, Dean would be lying if he said he hadn't been thinking about that Novak kid for most of the week. He had no clue way, but figured the guy was just a mystery that he wanted to get to the bottom of. That's what he liked doing anyway; helping people was kind of his thing after all. Sam and him where still working out their own shit over John's death, neither of them really talked about it; but they were dealing with it in their own ways.<p>

Dean was glad when Pastor Jim left with the couple other kids that weren't 'special projects' or whatever Cas was considered. The kid looked like shit though; his school uniform was a mess; his tie askew, what looked like blood on the lapel of his wrinkled white shirt and what seems like a bruise forming around his eye. He couldn't help noticing the tattoo on his forearm, just noticeable since his sleeves where rolled up; it looked like a sort of rosary or something and where those scars...

"What the hell happened to you?" Dean asked bluntly, sitting on one of the desks across from the dark haired guy.

"You should see the other guy," Cas sniffs.

"Did it happen at school?"

"Mostly," he crossed his arms, looking out the window.

"I heard some rumors about you," Dean starts.

"They're all true," Castiel replies flatly.

"I'm sure you'd like people to think that…but somehow I doubt you have the word reject tattooed on your side and killed a goat for Satan."

Without a word, Cas shifted lifting up his white shirt revealing the words 'Rejiciunt Caelis' going down his side along with some bruising and what Dean was sure was a piercing on his just visible nipple. He tried not to stare, but ok it was kind of a turn on for him.

"All that means reject?" Dean questions, pretending to be confused about the words and not distracted by how hot or injured the kid was.

"No, its part of it," Cas lowers his shirt carefully, "It's in latin…and I never killed a goat."

"See not all the rumors are true," he smiles.

"Not that I wouldn't," he smirks with fake bravado.

"This act of yours isn't fooling anyone," Dean informs him getting tired of this crap.

"It has worked so far."

"Well I'm not your mom and I'm not one of your dumb class mates," he angrily crosses his arm challenging the boy, "There's people here who actually give a crap about you, so I suggest you get your head out of your ass and take notice."

"Or what?" Cas looks at him icily, "In case you haven't noticed, it's just me."

"What about your mom?"

"She has other concerns," he cryptically replies.

"Speaking of family…are those rumors true?"

Castiel glares up at him, knowing exactly what Dean means; but refusing to answer.

"You know the ones about your dear 'father'," he quotes, "I get that's pretty fucked up, man, but that doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like an object that you abuse at will."

"I'm not the one you should be telling that to!" He stands up clearly irate, his fists clenching, "It's my life and I can do whatever or whoever," he punctuates knowingly, "I fucking want… Maybe it'll speed up the process."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean looks at him, the anger slipping to concern.

"Nothing…" Castiel lies, grabbing his stuff, "I'm out of here… You are nothing like me Dean!" He throws back, storming from the room.

Well that could have gone better, Dean thought to himself. He knew that Castiel was trying to scare him off, but everything Dean heard tonight just made him more worried about Cas. This was clearly something more than just teenage rebellion.

"How's it coming?" Pastor Jim asked from the door way, his face sympathetic.

"The kid is spiraling," Dean huffs, "Is there nothing you can tell me about him?"

"I wish I knew," he replies sincerely, "Ana, his mother, is a lovely women," Pastor starts, "Castiel used to be such a sweet child… very quiet and unassuming, fiercely loyal…"

"But?" Dean interjected knowing something was coming.

"He turned 14 and something switched," Jim sighs, "He's worse then you where," he chuckles sardonically.

"I've noticed," he nods in agreement.

"He's so spiteful and angry, but no one knows why and it's not like he talks to anyone. I suppose the rumors don't help either… I pray you can help him, Dean," He pats his shoulder reassuringly.

"Me too," Dean picks at his fingers, not looking up.

"Oh, that reminds me," Pastor Jim switches gears, "The fall social is this Sunday, you think you could chaperone?" he asks hopefully, "I know it's short notice and all, but one of the teachers is ill."

He thinks it over for a moment, but figured Sam would be going anyway, "Sure," Dean nods, "I'm off this weekend anyway."

"Wonderful, you are a great help, Dean," he smiles at him heading from the room, "Have good-night."

"You too," he follows the man out of the class room to head back home.

On the ride back to the apartment, Dean idly wondered if Castiel would actually attend a school function and what kind of trouble there would be if he did. In a way he was glad he agreed to it, he could kind of spend time with Sammy as well as keep an eye on the damaged teen that was presently eating away at his brain.

He hoped he was strong enough to keep on the right path with Castiel, in the back of Dean's mind he knew he wanted him. It was wrong and inappropriate, but it was there all the same. The guy had found away under his skin like no one else had, but Dean was stronger than that, or so he told himself. The bigger picture was what was important here, and he knew he'd do what it took to get the kid there.

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	4. All the things

AN: I have no clue how long this will be because I'm just writing it as it comes...so

ENJOY and Thank you all!

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><p>"Hey Sammy, you have a date for tonight?" Dean asks casually.<p>

"No, that's not how it works, Dean," Sam rolls his eyes as he checks his reflection in the bathroom.

"Excuse me," he huffs, "Any special girl you want to dance with, then?"

"Uh… no."

"Liar," Dean smirks, "Who's the lucky lady?"

"No one, I don't want you embarrassing me," Sam informs him, stepping from the bathroom dressed in a simple black dress shirt and khaki's.

"Please, I'm your awesome older brother, everyone will be jealous."

"Whatever," he breathes, "I'm still not telling you."

"Fine, let's go princess," Dean hops off the couch; he's wearing one of his nicer green shirts and jeans. He figured he didn't really need to be too dressy considering he wasn't there to dance, just make sure everyone was behaving.

The dance was pretty tame compared to the ones he actually attended when he was in high school, but that was a public school he thought. He was standing by the bleachers, which were surprisingly empty. For a private school everyone was really social and if they weren't dancing they were talking and drinking punch.

During a song change, he heard some noise coming from behind him and turned to investigate. It was brief since a new song started up instantly, plus the bleachers where still empty. He wasn't stupid though, Dean walked down to the end of them to see if there was anyone under the bleachers. It took a while to climb through getting further into the semi darkness. He saw a couple figures, doing who knows what as he approached them.

"What's going on here?" Dean called, as he moved closer.

"Shit," a voice rasped.

"Sorry," another voice whispered as they fled in the opposite direction.

Dean stepped closer and wasn't surprised to find a disheveled Castiel, standing there coolly.

"Another friend of yours?" Dean questions.

"Why? Jealous?" Cas stares back, quickly moving into Dean's personal space, "Care to pick up where they left off?" He asks huskily, his mouth hovering over Dean's.

"That's inappropriate and you know it," he swallows thickly, trying to stand his ground.

"Is it?" He challenges, barley closing the distance with a soft brush of his lips against the older mans.

"Stop that," Dean orders authoritatively as he steps back, fighting every urge he has to just go with it.

"I know you want it."

"That's not the point," he starts, "if that was even true…" he adds lamely as Cas just smirks at him.

"You're so intent on trying to save me," Cas steps back, humor in his tone.

"I'm just trying to understand you," Dean clarifies, truthfully. "There's clearly something you're hiding, Cas."

"You have knight in shining armor written all over you," he informs him, "Your mistake is assuming that I need saving," Castiel looks up and away.

"Sorry for being a nice guy here," he snaps at him, "I guess you're just not used to those, huh." Dean wasn't sure if that was too far, but the kid was getting to him more than he wanted to admit. Something, maybe unease, flittered across Castiel's face as he looked back at Dean; before Dean turned to leave. "Don't let me catch you under here again," he throws back gruffly, leaving Cas alone under the bleachers.

Later on in the night, Dean was sitting at the top of the bleachers trying to keep a bird's eye view of the dance below; when someone joins him.

"What do you want?" he asks roughly, all ready knowing who it was.

Castiel doesn't reply just silently passes a flask over to him, Dean taking it reluctantly after making sure no one was looking.

"I should confiscate this," Dean informs him.

"It wouldn't matter," the boy shrugs, leaning back to rest on his elbows.

They sit in silence, watching all the kids dance on a rainy Sunday night and in an odd way they where bonding. Dean had no clue what possessed Cas to seek him out after what happened under the bleachers, but it was a good step.

"I figured you would have taken off," Dean breaks the silence.

"It's raining," he replies solemnly like that explained it all.

"Yea," he nods, not quite understanding. "What happened to your buddy?"

"Not worth the effort," Cas sighs, "The closeted ones never are."

Dean sat for a beat; did that mean he was gay? He couldn't be sure because he could have sworn that was a girl under the bleachers, but shrugged it off. When Dean was Cas's age he fucked anything that would have him, so it didn't really matter in the long run.

"You need a ride home tonight?" Dean offers.

"No," he takes another swig from the flask, "thanks."

"Suite yourself," he shrugs, a little surprised by the nicety of the situation, "it's there if you want it."

Cas nods quietly pocketing his flask and rising, striding down the seats wordlessly. Dean just watching his retreating back, as he crosses the dance floor and exits the gym; he wasn't sure what to make of it all. One second, Castiel was coming on to him and the next he was being an almost normal human being. It was all kind of a lot to process; he was broken from his reverie however when he saw one of the other chaperones motioning to him.

After the dance wound down, with no other sighting of Castiel, he and Sammy helped clean up before going home for the night; the almost kiss was still plaguing Dean's mind. It was stupid really, the simple brushing of lips between a strong out at risk teenager had him squirming. The whole notion of it all was ridiculous really, the kid didn't have feelings for him and he was still a kid. No matter how much Dean rationalized it, he couldn't quite squash the ideas his mind was conjuring up.

That night he was plagued by those underage lips and eyes that seemed eons older then they really were. It felt so right, but most dreams like that did; it wasn't till consciences that you saw everything that was wrong with it.

These dreams continued for the rest of the week and when Thursday finally rolled around he was extremely nervous to be left alone with the kid. The whole first hour he kept repeating in his mind just how wrong it was to be lusting after Castiel, he was only a couple years older than Sammy after all. Every time he chanced a glance at the boy in question he felt uncomfortable like those cobalt eyes could see every impure thought lurking in his soul.

"Are you alright?" The deep voice asks when the others leave.

"Huh," Dean looks up at him, "Oh yeah, I'm fine," he clears his throat.

Castiel scrutinizes him for a beat; "Very well," he shrugs, leaning against the desk in front of Dean. "What new information will you try to beat out of me this week?" he nonchalantly picks at his shirt sleeve.

"I don't beat you," he rolls his eyes, relaxing a bit, "You wanta get out of here?"

The dark haired boy looks at him, blinking thoughtfully.

"I'm starving, I came straight from work….so burgers?" Dean grabs his coat off the back of his chair, "On me," he adds, really he couldn't be cooped up in this tiny room alone with the boy.

Cas follows after him, much to Dean's surprise; he half expected the kid to take off. They rode silently in the Impala to the little dinner down the street. Dean orders them both a burger and milkshakes, the kid looks he hadn't been eating regularly anyway.

"Your mom not feed you?" Dean jokes awkwardly.

"I am fully capable of taking care of myself."

"Never said you weren't," he holds up his hands, "Still doesn't answer the question though."

"My mother is preoccupied," he quietly states as he studies the table top.

"Meaning?" Dean tries to prod, hoping to not over step his boundaries.

"She works a lot," Castiel lies, partially anyway.

He looks at the boy trying to read him before giving up, "Ok… don't tell me."

Cas stands up, Dean about to stop him before he realizes that he's just heading to the bathroom. The food is on the table by the time he gets back, sniffling slightly as he slides back into the booth; Dean frowning slightly.

"Really?" He glares at Castiel meaningfully.

"What?"

"Freebasing the bathroom," Dean whispers angrily.

"I do not know what you are talking about," Cas glares back at him, tentatively taking a bite from his burger.

Dean not wanting to cause a scene so he just picks at his food. They are inching past their usual hour to be over and Castiel seems to be getting a little anxious when he glances at the clock on the wall.

"I have to go," he slides out of the booth.

Dean chokes down his bite of food, "Hang on I'll drive you," he takes a sip of his water quickly, wondering why there was sudden change in the guy.

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	5. That you've seen

Castiel was super on edge the entire drive to his house; he kept glancing at the clock and was trying to act calm. That obviously wasn't working and Dean was getting worried.

"What's wrong?" Dean glances at him as they near the house.

"Nothing," he snaps, defensively.

"Dude, you look like you're going to your death or something, so talk or I'm not letting you out of the car."

Castiel inhales a calming breath, "I'm just supposed to be home at a certain time."

"Bull shit," Dean calls his bluff, "We both know that wouldn't stop you from being out at all hours of the night."

"Thursday's are different, ok," he stares out the window as they pull up to the house.

"Why?"

"Ask god," Castiel shoots as he sprints from the car and into the house.

His words replayed in Dean's mind, what the hell was that supposed to mean. This cryptic shit was ridiculous, but he knew that all this had to be on Cas's terms or he'd just flea and never look back. This was shitty as fuck, since he had a bit of a clue about what the kid was doing to himself he just wasn't sure what part his mom played in this.

The whole situation left an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he had no clue why or what to do so he went home as the rain started to come down. It was kind of fitting for the mood he found himself in now; he had all these, dare he say, feelings that where pulling him in every direction and it was completely wearing on him.

Dean got home to find Sam sleeping on the sofa, having fallen asleep doing homework while waiting up for him. He gently woke his brother up and ushered him off to bed, briefly contemplating whether or not he wanted to watch TV for a bit; but realized he was just too tired of everything. He stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed.

At around 1:30 Dean's phone started to go off, rudely wakening him from his lust filled dreams. He didn't even bother looking at it was when he answered the phone, "Hullo," he asks groggily.

"Dean?" the deep unsure voice questions, causing the man to bolt up in bed.

"Cas?" Dean wonders in concern.

"I shouldn't have called…" he starts, sounding so small.

"Yes you should have, what's going on?"

"I um… you said you could help right?"

"Yes," Dean states simply, he's unsure but the kid sounds vaguely close to tears and it's freaking him out a little. "Where are you? Is everything alright?"

"I'm at the park…" Cas replies after a beat, "I don't want to be alone right now," he admits quietly.

"I'm coming Castiel," he assures getting out a bed and searching for his clothes, "What park?"

"School."

"Don't go anywhere, I'm on my way."

He dresses at top speed racing out of the door, his worry mounting as he realizes that it's still raining out. Dean drives as quickly as possible to the park, throwing the car in park and searching for the dark haired boy. A quick glance of the area finds him sitting on a park bench with his knees drawn up and his arm wrapped around him, wearing what appears to be a trench coat that's a bit too big for him.

"Cas," Dean calls, not wanting to startle the kid as he sits down next to him, "It's raining."

"I know," comes the solemn reply.

"What's going on?" He asks gently, resisting the urge to pull the kid into a hug.

"What if I told you the rumors where true?" Castiel asks, his head turned away from Dean.

"Which ones?"

"About my parents," he blinks up at Dean as their eyes lock, "Hypothetically…" he adds.

"Well," Dean starts, brushing the matted hair off of Cas' forehead the teen leaning into the touch a little, "Hypothetically I'd probably ask what you thought about it," he shrugs wishing there was more he could do for the guy.

"That's a loaded question," Cas whispers.

"I'd want to know what parts where true first of course."

"Why do you care so much?" He looks questioningly at Dean.

"I've seen where this path leads; you think that no one gets you or cares and that you are undeserving of love or whatever…" Dean sighs, trying to keep all his own shit out of his mind, "It's not true, you can be anything and it will get better, but you have to believe that yourself."

"I'm scared," Cas whispers, weightily and Dean knows he's talking about more than what Dean had said.

"You're just a kid," he offers quietly.

"You aren't much older."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm an old man," Dean smirks a little.

"I know how that is," Cas replies knowingly, "I'm sorry I called you."

"I'm not."

They sit in silence, the rain having let up a bit and Dean hopes that Cas doesn't catch anything.

"I told you I'm here to help," Dean reminds him cautiously, "When you want to tell me, I'm here." Something shifts in the air, but Dean's not sure what it is.

"I doubt it will matter," Castiel replies coldly, sitting up straight for a beat before disappearing into the cold dark night.

"Damn it!" Dean curses him; there was no way he was going to be able to help Castiel if the guy didn't finish his own internal battle. At least he had the day off tomorrow, he thought; because this was shaping up to be a sleepless night and would not have been fun to go to work with.

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	6. All the things that could have been

AN: My power's back! Anyway... Just gunna give you a heads up here, because this maybe shaping up to be a fairly dark story, so...

ENJOY! ? and thanks for the great feed back!

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><p>Castiel and Dean started calling and texting on a fairly regular basis. The calls were often short, but Dean answered none the less. Eventually, Cas stopped coming to the group meetings; strolling in just in time for the solo hour Dean had with him. All the while Dean was trying his best to keep his attraction to Cas at bay, a task getting harder and harder with each conversation the two shared. The kid was still an enigma to him because while Dean shared all his personal stuff, Cas still kept everything on the surface. It was frustrating to say the least, however he would just have to hope that it would all come out in time.<p>

"Hello?" Dean answers.

"Hello, Dean."

"Cas, what you up to?"

"Just fucking around," Cas states, Dean's not sure if he says it because that's exactly what he's been doing or just to get a rise out of him.

"Sounds tiring," Dean jokes half heartedly.

"I'm actually at home," he admits after a beat.

"Really?"

"Yes, shocking isn't it," Castiel breaths, "Mother is out."

"Work or…?" Dean wonders aloud.

"I dunno…" he starts sound more like he just doesn't care, "I have some time to myself."

"So you called me, huh?"

"It would appear so… who else can I make envious of all the titillating things I do," he enunciates his voice pitched lower than normal for over the phone.

Dean swallows, "How many times do I have to remind you, not interested."

"How many times do you have to assure yourself that?" He smirks.

"Enough, Mr. Illegal, I'm going to bed now…"

"No," Cas snaps before catching himself, "I mean can't we talk a little longer?"

"It's a school night," Dean reminds him.

"Only if I go tomorrow, which is always up in the air," he adds with false bravado.

"You better show up for the meeting tomorrow."

"That is all I ever look forward too," Castiel feigns sarcasms, but something in his tone betrays him.

"Something bothering you, Cas?" Dean asks in concern, which is all he seems to have when he talks or see the kid.

"Nope," he lies, "I forgot I have an appointment, I must go..."

Dean doesn't even get to say goodbye properly before the line goes dead.

The next day, the two men decided to head out for a walk during the hour together, somehow ending up getting ice cream on the way. Fall would be over soon and with the end would be the start of a tough winter, so it seemed best to enjoy the weather while they could.

"How are things?" Dean asks in between licks of his cone.

"Fine," Cas shrugs, "I'll be eighteen soon," he offers meaningfully.

"Oh," he nods, trying not to give anything away, "Any special birthday plans?"

"Not really," he slowly licks his own ice cream cone, "Probably just go out with a bang."

"Party with those friends of yours?" Dean narrows his eyes, his disdain for the people Cas hangs out with evident.

"Something like that," he smirks sadly.

"Well you can always call if ya want do something," he reminds the younger man.

"Thank you," Castiel looks at him thoughtfully.

"Anything else?" Dean casts a sideways glance at him.

Silence falls over them for a beat as Cas studies the concrete beneath their feet, a smudge of ice cream at the corner of his mouth.

"You have something," Dean motions, receiving a confused stare, "Here," he reaches out, using his thumb to wipe it off Cas's face.

"Oh," he watches intently, their eyes locked as Dean's hand remains near Cas's face.

Dean's not completely sure if he moved first or not, but the end result was the same. Their lips met, first tentatively until Castiel parted his lips asking for entrance. There was nothing Dean could do except allow it, as the pair languidly opened up to each other's advances. Castiel skillfully employing moves that Dean was sure no real seventeen year old had a right of knowing. The kiss seemed to last ages when in reality it was quite brief; Dean breaking it first as he came back to his senses.

"I'm sorry," Dean states breathlessly.

Cas regards him for a moment, "I'm not," he tells him flatly.

"It's inappropriate, Cas at least right now… no matter what this thing between us is."

He just smiles briefly and nods, "You're the only one I'd miss, Dean."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean looks at him.

"If I had occasion to have to miss someone, it'd be you," he shrugs, kissing him again briefly, "Who knows where this could have gone," he starts walking again.

Dean looks after him in confusion before hastily catching up to the kid, "What day's your birthday?"

"Next Thursday," Cas states sardonically.

"Anything in particular you want or need?" he hedges. Cas mumbles something under his breath that Dean can't make out, "What?"

"I don't want nor do I need anything."

"Come on that can't be true, man," Dean starts.

Castiel throws away what's left of his ice cream, "Here," he holds out an envelope with something three dimensional inside.

"What is it?" he asks.

"You'll know when to open it," he informs him, "I must go," and with that he takes off down the street.

Dean doesn't give it much thought; he's used to Cas behaving like this. The kid's eccentric to say the least so he pockets the envelope and pretty much forgets about. He doesn't see or hear from Castiel for the entire weekend or the beginning of the week. When Thursday rolls around again, Dean shows up to the group secessions and starts to worry when the dark haired boy doesn't even show up for their separate hour.

He pulls out his cell phone and calls Castiel after he waits almost a half an hour for him to show up. The call goes straight to voice mail, so he leaves a message and sends him a text. Dean's worried to say the least, but there's nothing he can do. It would be more than creepy to drive by the guy's house, after all for all Dean knew Cas could just be sick or something. At least that's what he hoped it was.

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	7. I heard my heartbeat faulter

AN: Thanks guys! (Sorry for all the cliff hanger(y)-ness... but I'm evil like that ;D)

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><p>Dean contemplates driving around town in search of Castiel; he had gotten the kid a birthday card as well. It wasn't much, but that and a slice of pie wouldn't have been a great evening. At least that helped calm him down a bit, it was Cas's birthday after all and for Dean knew he could be out with his friends partying.<p>

He gets home to find Sammy passed out on the sofa with his homework spread out all over the coffee table. Dean tosses a blanket over the kid and heads to the kitchen for a beer as he watches the rain fall down outside. His thoughts continue to stay on Castiel, hopping the big 1-8 is a good one for him and he doesn't party too hard considering. Dean does his best to shake off the worry as he sips his beer. Half way through the bottle, he hears a sound at the front door.

At first Dean thinks it's just the wind until he hears it again and goes to investigate. Sam had apparently heard the noise too as he peaks over the couch, Dean going to the door. He opens the door to find Castiel water logged and leaning heavily against the door frame.

"Cas?" Dean stares in shock at the state of the kid in front of him.

"I'm sorry," Castiel sniffs trying to fight back the tears, "I couldn't do it."

"Dean?" Sam asks worried about what's going on.

Dean carefully helps Cas inside, noticing the sleeves of his shirt are stained red, "Sam call 911 and get some towels," he orders gruffly, Sam scurrying away quickly to do as he's told.

"You called and texted and…" Cas breathes labouredly as Dean sinks to the floor with his dead weight.

"Shh, Cas its ok," he assures him, "What happened? Who did this?" he questions even though he pretty much knows the answer.

"I did, but I don't…" he squeezes his eyes tight, "I'm sorry."

"Here," Sam comes back with the towels, "The ambulance is on the way."

"Thanks Sammy, Um…" He takes the towels.

"Ya, I'll be in my room," Sam nods in understanding, not wanting to see anything more than he should at his age.

Dean sets out rapping the towels around the wounds in to try and stop the bleeding. "Cas is this all you did or did you…" he can't finish the sentence, as he just prays the ambulance comes in time.

Castiel just nods slowly, his eyes drifting closed as Dean shakes to keep him alert.

"No you don't," he calls, "Cas, you gotta stay with me, You made it this far," Dean had no idea where Castiel had started this or how he got to their apartment for that matter, but it couldn't have been easy.

"It's hard," he whispers sadly.

"I know," Dean nods, which was true he had had those thoughts too after his mom died, but Pastor Jim and his family straightened him out. "I'm here Castiel, just hold on."

Once the ambulance came it was all a blur, Dean called Pastor Jim and followed the ambulance in the Impala. Sam being the awesome brother that he was assured him it was ok to go and that he was just going to sleep anyway because he still had school tomorrow.

Pastor Jim, was going to call Castiel's mom and inform her then meet him at the hospital. He asked if Dean had any clue why this had happened and Dean was at a loss. In hind sight, he should probably picked up on some of the clues; he felt terrible for not being able to prevent this.

At the hospital no one would tell them anything until Castiel was stable, the wait took hours. Finally a young red headed woman with watery eyes came in, Pastor Jim rising to meet her.

"Ana," he greets her sadly.

"Pastor," she sniffs, "What is going on? Where's my baby?"

"They won't tell us anything," Jim informs her.

Dean observes the women briefly, she was younger then he would have suspected the mother of a teenager to be and was fairly pretty. There was something off though, that Dean couldn't quite put his finger on; but it made him wary of her.

"This is Dean, he's been trying to help Castiel," Pastor Jim introduces them, Dean shaking her hand.

"Help?" Ana questions in confusion.

"Yes in the outreach program on Thursday nights," Jim clarifies.

"Castiel is at home on Thursdays," she states with conviction.

"You signed him up for this," Dean narrows his eyes at her, "He was skipping class, doing drugs and god knows what else."

"That does not sound like my son, I think I would know."

"You signed the permission form," Pastor Jim informs her, trying to keep the situation neutral, "We wouldn't allow attendance otherwise."

"Seems to me you wouldn't really know your son," Dean glares at her.

"You are clearly mistaken."

"Why do you think he's here, then?" He snaps not caring about controlling his anger. "He tried to kill himself."

Ana fixes him with a disbelieving look, "I'm sorry I don't believe I heard a doctor in front of your name."

"This has been a stressful evening," Jim interjects, shooting Dean a look, "As you can see, Dean is just very concerned for your son's well being."

"I just hope my angel's ok," she whispers sadly as tears well up in her eyes, Pastor Jim ushering her into one of the chairs in the waiting room.

Dean's still angry, confused and worried; so he just paces anxiously praying that the kid didn't succeed. He thrusts his hand in his pocket and pulls out the envelope with Castiel's birthday card, when another envelope falls out. He picks it up and remembers that it was the one Cas had handed to him last Thursday, since everything was up in the air right now he figured it was as good a time as any to open it.

He scans the letter, clutching the object that he found inside as he drops into a chair in disbelief. Dean is dazed, flirting on the edge of tears as Pastor Jim comes by his side. The doctor show's up, mumbling something about Castiel's condition. He's vaguely aware that it must be good news since Ana and the Pastor's reactions are of relief, but his mind is reeling like it's slow motion. Rising to his feat, Pastor Jim pats him on the shoulder before watching him in concern. Dean hands the other man Castiel's letter, the amulet still clutched tight in his fist as he walks off down the hall way.

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	8. But she didn't hear my prayers

AN: Poor Cas indeed... (ANYWAY... Thank you all for the reviews etc! :D)

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><p>Dean,<p>

I will miss you, you where a light for me; but I don't want you to blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done. I'm so tired and there was no way out, which sounds cliché. My mother needs help, I thought I could take care of her by myself and be a good son who obeys her will. I tried for so long; but weather it was the demons like she says or God just has no more strength to give me any more, I will never know. The pain of what has been happening over the years is not worth all this.

I told you once that the rumors where true, well the where. My mother has been ill for a long time and my supposedly devote father took advantage of that weakness; however I believe his absences has made me strong. She seemed to be well for a while, but something changed when I started high school. I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say that there are angels in her head and I was considered one of them. You can imagine what kind of standard that is to be held to.

My little rebellion, or whatever you wish to call it, was a stopping point; I wanted to experience it all since it wouldn't matter in the end. I appreciate the help you have given me; just know this was a long time coming.

With love… or the closest I have to it,

Cas

Dean finds the nearest bathroom and ducks inside, he doesn't know if he wants throw up or punch something. He vowed then in there to do whatever he could to help Castiel if he made it through all of this. There he was all this time talking about his own stupid shit when Cas's was so much worse. What had that crazy bitch done to him, he wondered while thousands of scenarios raced through his mind. It also dawned on him that if he had just opened this right away he could have maybe prevented all this. He stayed in the bathroom for a good ten minutes, splashing cold water on his face and heading back to the waiting room.

Pastor Jim was staring intently at the letter, his features clouded as Cas's mom sat across from him nervously biting her nails and fingering a rosary.

"Is he all right?" Dean questions, his voice sounding rough from the tears he refused to shed.

"He's stable," Jim looks up at him, avoiding Ana at all costs. "We can see him when he wakes up."

Dean nods as they share a look of understanding about the letter; he knew it was for the best that Pastor Jim read it.

"The police are here for some questions," A nurse showed up.

"I'll go talk to them," Pastor rises with the letter and nods at Dean.

Once Pastor Jim leaves the little area, Dean is forced to stare at part of the cause of all this. He unclenches his fist to look down at the object that was also in the envelope it was a necklace of some sort with a hand shaped amulet on the end. Flipping it over, he observed it before slipping it on over his head. There was no mention of the object in the letter, but Dean figured he'd wear it until Cas was able to take it back.

After Pastor Jim came back, two police offers showed up along with him.

"Ms. Novak, we have some questions for you." The one cop stated.

"If you could come with us, it will just be a second."

Ana eyes them nervously, nodding as she stands up to join them as they head off down the hall.

"I showed them the letter and told them everything I knew," Pastor Jim tells Dean quietly, "I had no idea," he shakes his head.

"That makes two of us," Dean sighs, praying that Cas woke up soon.

Dean was getting tired of waiting and decided to roam a bit, he got Cas's room number by flirting with a nurse. When he got there Castiel's room was dark, save for the light from the heart monitor, he was pale and peaceful looking. It's funny how sleep can make the cares of the world seem to disappear. Gently, Dean runs his fingers through Cas's dark locks before pulling up a chair to sit at his side. Castiel's slender forearms are bandaged in bright white gauze and he knows they probably pumped his stomach, unless he took something else anyway.

Carefully he holds Cas's hand watching each rise and fall of his chest, "I'm glad it didn't work," he whispers.

Dean keeps watch over Castiel for a couple more hours until a pair of hazy cobalt eyes blink up at him, "Is this heaven?" he rasps, looking softly at Dean.

"No, Cas," he smirks his relief interrupted as the door flies open revealing Cas's mom.

"Hell," Castiel freezes at the sight of her, Dean's heart breaking as he bares witness to the effect this women has on Cas.

"Oh, my angel," Ana crosses the room, gripping onto Cas, "Do not worry Castiel, I know the demons did this to you."

"Just go away," Castiel rumbles with exhaustion.

She strokes the side of his face, "It'll be alright."

"The demons didn't do this you did!" Dean snaps at her.

She regards him, before catching sight of the amulet he's wearing, "You… I should have noticed, you're one of them! Leading my angel astray," Ana advances on him.

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	9. Cause someone somewhere's

AN: Y'all are amazing! -heart-

:D

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><p>Dean started awake, he had no clue how long he had been out for but a quick survey of his surroundings showed Castiel was still unconscious. He wasn't sure if he was relieved that it was a dream or if he should be worried because Cas wasn't up yet. Ultimately he wound up somewhere in between. That would have been horrible for Castiel's mom to come in right when he woke up, especially since she had done enough damage. He never wanted to punch someone so much in his life as he did that woman.<p>

His thoughts were interrupted however by a raspy voice, "Dean?"

"Cas," Dean smiles softly.

"I…" He blinks around, his cobalt eyes looking at the ceiling before falling back to Dean's green ones.

"It's ok, Cas… we'll talk later."

Castiel nods solemnly as he closes his eyes again, "I'm glad it's you," he murmurs meaningfully.

"Me too," Dean whispers as he drifts back.

By some stroke of luck none of the personal at the hospital kick Dean out when they catch him sleeping in the chair next to Cas's bedside. The kid ends up sleeping until well after noon the next day, which isn't surprising given the blood loss and everything.

"Hey there," Dean greets him.

"Hello, Dean," he inhales, "It was real."

"'Fraid so."

"Hm…" he hums thoughtfully.

"I read that letter," Dean informs him, Cas looking sagely out the window, "You don't have to tell me right away, but I do expect a full explanation."

Castiel nods solemnly, "Very well."

"Oh and before I forget," he pulls out the now crumpled card from his pocket, "Happy birthday."

The dark haired boy gingerly took the card, careful with his stitched up arms, "Thank you Dean." He opens it smiling sadly as he reads the stupid little premade saying, "I apologize for missing our appointment."

"Don't sweat it, I'm just glad you're still here," Dean tells him earnestly. "So your mom never knew about the program."

"No… I suppose it was my own small cry for help," he shrugs, falling silent for a beat, "I'm eighteen," Cas states blankly, like he's shocked he made it.

"That's right," Dean nods, placing a chaste kiss to Cas's chapped lips.

"I knew it," He jokes a little when they break apart.

From outside the door they hear raised voices, "Let me see my son!" the woman shouts, causing Castiel to tense.

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," Dean assures him as the door to his room his retched open.

Ana comes storming in with a brigade of personal behind her along with Pastor Jim.

"Sweety, oh you look awful," she greets him, coming closer for a hug he doesn't return, "I know it was the demons," she whispers in his ear.

Dean barely hears her words, but is somewhat freaked out about how eerily similar this was to his dream.

"I do not want you here," Cas informs her, his eyes cast down on the blanket.

"Angel, shh, it's ok," Ana coos, "I'm not even upset about the bathroom," she smiles.

"Leave me alone," he grits out, silent tears slipping out as the heart monitor started to spike.

"Maim, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," one of the nurses or maybe doctors took hold of her to usher her out.

"No," Ana shouts, "He needs me."

"I understand Maim, but he still needs some rest," The women motions to two of the male personal, the pair taking hold of Cas's mom and taking her out of the room.

Castiel breathes out in relief as soon as she is gone, his head dropping back down onto the pillow. Dean takes hold of his hand, rubbing his thumb against Cas's hand to help soothe him.

"The cops will want to talk to, Castiel," Pastor Jim informs him, "They know about your mother," he adds, "Or at least what I could tell them, you're old enough now so you don't have to see her if you don't want."

"Very well," he nods, "Thank you, Pastor," Cas whispers robotically.

The doctor comes in then, "I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr." he glances at the chart, "Novak, but there are two officers outside that would like to speak to you before your evaluation."

"Seems like they want us to go," Pastor Jim looks over at Dean.

Castiel's blue eyes stare wistfully out the window, "If I would have known how tedious this was going to be I wouldn't have done it," he almost jokes.

"I'll be back later," Dean assures him, not wanting to leave Castiel's side, "I promise," he winks at him as the doctor lets the officers in.

Dean goes home and showers the blood off of him and throws his clothes in the laundry. He checks the fridge to see if they need food, by the time he's done with everything it's time for Sam to get off from school; so he goes to pick him up.

"Hey Dean," Sam smiles in surprise at seeing the black Chevy.

"Hey Sammy," he greets him, as the lanky kid slides into the passenger seat.

"How's Castiel?"

"He's doing as well as can be expected," Dean tells him.

"That's good," Sam nods, "I know you care about him," he states awkwardly.

"You're too smart for your own good you know that?" he smirks at his brother.

"I know," he smiles back.

"I thought we'd grab a bite out tonight," Dean starts.

"You heading back to the hospital, later?"

"Ya, I figure you could tag along if you want…"

"Thanks Dean, but I'll just stay home and work on my homework," Sam tells him.

"Dude it's Friday."

"So…"

"So… you need to get a life, and I say this with love bro, but all work and no play make Sammy a dull boy." Dean tells him seriously.

"Whatever," Sam rolls his eyes.

"Come on man, you gotta at least kiss a chick before you graduate."

"I'm done talking about this, jerk."

Dean chuckles as Sam blushes next to him, "Bitch."

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	10. Trying to understand the sacrifice

An: It's short, but it's what I got today... so... (this is emotionally taxing ;D)

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><p>When Dean gets back to the hospital later that night, Castiel is sleeping. He's glad to see he's on the list of people allowed to visit, but he has so many questions for the kid. Plus he's curious about what the cops are doing, how Cas's evaluation went and when he'll be released. He makes sure no one's around and grabs Castiel's chart off the foot of the bed, his curiosity getting the better of him.<p>

He scans down the page glossing over the non-important parts, it's says he has a total of 40 stitches and that his stomach was pumped. Dean figured that was probably 20 stitches per arm, the information causing nausea to settle in the pit of his stomach. Cas had taken a bunch of pain killers to numb himself before hand so he didn't feel it, but Dean had no clue how the guy made it from his house to the apartment while bleeding so profusely. It must have been pure adrenalin or maybe will power, since he said he had changed his mind.

Dean sits watching over the kid, his mind working even thought starring off into space. Eventually, Cas woke up shortly after his food tray was brought in.

"You came back," he blinks at Dean.

"I told you I would, Cas," Dean smirks at him, "You hungry? They brought your food."

Castiel sits up more, looking over the tray on the rolling table thing in disinterest. He ends up just grabbing his lime jello and starts eating it slowly. "I suppose you would like an explanation," he starts around bites.

"Only if you're up to it," Dean fixes him with a look.

"As I'll ever be," he sighs. "It seems silly…"

"I doubt it."

"Well to start, my mother was in a catholic hospital in her teen years because she would have these visions… I'm still not clear on that part, no one ever told me much, but my father was one of the doctors there who was also a priest."

"He took advantage of her," Dean offers.

"Yes, she was very young then… barely 17, but she got better for us…" They're silent for a beat before he continues on with the story, "I used to have a brother, Jimmy…" Cas begins in a monotone, "No one really knew about him, because he was always ill… When he died mother started to slip again." He inhales, idly playing with his spoon, "She started to believe that I was him and he was a demon…"

"Why?" Dean asks in confusion.

"Did I not mention…" Cas thinks for a moment, "We where twins."

"Oh."

"In her mind the only way to prevent the demon from coming out was by," he falters, "Performing acts on Thursday's to pray that the angel Castiel would stay him off."

"That's who you're named after and why Thursday's where different."

Castiel nods at the statement, "He's the angel of Thursday, the day Jimmy passed away."

"What kind of acts?" Dean adds, not sure he really wants to know as sadly further clouds Cas's normally bright eyes.

He clears his throat, "Prayers, lashings… anything she could think of that could be torn from my flesh." Cas lips quirk as if he's debating if he should continue, "She would make up these symbols that would represent certain things, that's what I had left in the bathroom… that night."

Dean wets his lips as if to speak, but can't find the words to say.

"I know you're probably wondering why I didn't fight back, I am stronger then her…" Cas sighs, "Four years is a long time," he starts, "I suppose I was still hoping that, by some miracle she would get better or if I obeyed she'd stop."

Silently Dean takes hold of Cas's hand, it was hard to believe all the shit this kid had gone through. "What about this?" Dean pulls the necklace out from under his shirt, revealing the hand talisman.

"Hasma hand," he tentatively reaches out and fingers the little symbol. "It's used in various religions; to ward off evil it, has different meanings… I always liked the idea of reincarnation…" Cas smiles sadly, "It suits you."

Dean nods, his jaw set, "How'd the evaluation go?" he questions after a beat, looking the boy in the eyes.

Castiel stares back, "It could've been worse," he starts, "I regretted it and sought help so…" he sighs tiredly, "They're being a bit more lenient."

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	11. So Lord, oh Lord, I'm yours

An: Sorry this took a bit longer... and sorry if this was a bit disjointed etc, I had no real plan for this so I wanted to take the time and think some stuff over and figure out what exactly this story wants from me. The lack of a basic plan, I feel, was making the writing suffer a bit... I hope this is better...

This is Cas pov...

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><p>Cas felt like shit, not just from the attempted suicide, he knew he hadn't told Dean everything; choosing to gloss over various unpleasant things. A part of him still wished he had been successful with his endeavor and didn't go to Dean for help. He had no clue what was going to happen next, Castiel never planned for that; but then again who sets out thinking they're going to fail.<p>

He was required to stay at the hospital for observation; it was part of the procedure. Cas had no clue where he was going to go from there. Turning eighteen was the milestone he hadn't taken into account, but he knew he couldn't return home. The police further investigate his mom, while in the meantime he didn't know if she would still continue her weekly acts.

Dean didn't know the half what he had gone through at the hands of his mother or that he had suspicions that she had a bigger role to play with his brother's death. That was another thing that would tend to plague him, he always wondered why it was Jimmy and not him. Why he was named after an unknown angel that only brought pain, with empty promises of salvation. If he could he would have switched places with his twin in a heartbeat, still would for that matter.

All the uncertainty of everything was leaving him cold, and it wasn't just from the blood loss. Castiel knew he was still lying to everyone, it pained him to do it; but habits. The psych doctor seemed pleased by his statements and for now he was sorry that he did it. There was no telling how long that would last, already the old feelings where returning to him.

It was true, however, that Dean was the only light in the never ending dark for him. Castiel was still unsure if the 22 year old could provide what he needed to keep the dark away for good. He watched as the older man dozed in the chair next to his hospital, wishing that his over active mind would allow him the extravagance of envisioning a future.

A future where he was happy with himself and another where he had his own slice of peace; pain just a distant memory or a mild inconvenience like when you stub your toe on a coffee table, but his mind wouldn't allow it. That might have been one of his many flaws; he lacked the imagination to escape his situation in the conventional way. Every time his mother sought him out he couldn't retreat into his own psych, he had to endure and play along with her. Cas wondered if the roles were reversed if Jimmy would have been the stronger one, enduring everything until he left for college and moved on. Jimmy was the older twin after all.

The speculation was a waste of time, logically he knew Dean was here for him because the older man was a man of his word. Castiel still felt all alone, more so then he had before everything came out. There was still a part of him that loved his mother and tried to rationalize all her actions, even though he knew that there was nothing rational about them.

Cas was sure what would become of the women or of him, if there was hope for a future. All the thoughts swirling in his mind as his gaze fell upon Dean, the perfect man before him. It wasn't fair, that this person who's situation was different; yet similar enough that they both could have been gone forever and not known one another. Dean was a survivor, he took the necessary steps to get better and look after his family; to become whole again.

That was definitely something to be jealous of, since the only reason he changed his mind was fear not hope. Cas couldn't bare looking at the man any longer. He turned his back to him and curled up around himself, holding tight. The entirety of his being hurt and he was so tired that he couldn't sleep as tears slowly fell from his cool blue eyes. Uncertainty filled him up and he tried his best to keep his anguish silent as he tried to rid it from his slight form.

The doctrines that his mother embedded in him told him he was imperfect and needy, so much so that no one could ever help him. For a moment he entertained the idea that his mother was right, that there was a demon with in him and that maybe Jimmy never really existed. He had lied, with held the entirety of the truth, again, to the only person who ever helped and it made him feel sick.

"Why god?" Cas whispers allowed, his eyes cast to the ceiling.

Apparently he wasn't as quite as he had thought because he felt a shift on his hospital bed and peeked over his shoulder to see Dean, with concern in his green eyes, positioning himself next to Cas and pulling the younger man into his chest. They didn't say a word, Dean just holding onto the younger man to comfort him as Cas's tears fell. A large part of Castiel wished he could push Dean away and cast him out; but Cas was weak and whether he was aware of it or not he needed this.

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	12. But cherished the fading light

AN: I know it's short, but I'm getting sick so this is written inbetween lulls of headaches...

ENJOY

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><p>Dean has no clue what's going on with the man in his arms; sure he knows the kids in a dark place right now and he'd give anything to be able to steal away that pain. However, he would think that some part of him would be relieved that his mom wouldn't be able to hurt him anymore. It was shocking to say the least to wake up to the sound of quiet sobs and a question to a god that Dean never fully believed in, especially given the circumstances.<p>

He felt completely helpless as Cas's shoulders shook and tears accumulated on the soft fabric of Dean's shirt. There was words he could say, but they all died on his tongue. That was something he didn't want to give to Castiel, empty promises that it would all work out and everything would be fine; because who the fuck knew. Despite what Cas had said in the letter, Dean did feel partially to blame for the circumstances that lead them here. If had just recognized the signs and not been so caught up in dealing with his own shit or how this person was making him feel.

Castiel didn't need that right now, he thought, Dean would deal with that latter. What mattered now was reassembling the pieces of this broken teenager. Stroking his back comfortingly, Cas's breathing seemed to slow and the sobbing stop.

"Hey," Dean whispers, pushing the hair off of Cas forehead as his large blue eyes met his. Again he wanted to say so many things, but the words all seemed fake and empty, "I'm here," he told him firmly.

Those simple words where all he could breathe out, they weren't false and held more underlying meaning than anything else he could have said. No matter how obvious a statement it may have been.

Castiel simply nodded at him, pain still evident in his eyes, "I'm so sorry," he breathes against Dean's chest.

Dean's taken aback as he tightens his hold around the boy, "How many times do I have to tell you…you have nothing to be sorry for," he assures him as he hears a sniffle.

"I've… done things…" he starts mysteriously, "While all you've done is been perfect."

"You think I'm perfect?" Dean smirks, trying for humor before sobering. "I'm not Cas, no one is."

There's silence again, Dean hoping his words sink into the beautiful mess that he's trying his best to help.

"I'd like to be alone, please," Cas tells him robotically, turning out of Dean's embrace.

"Um… yeah, alright," he nods awkwardly as he slips off the bed, "I'll be out here." Dean motions to Castiel's back before slipping from the room.

After everything was settled Castiel ended up staying with Pastor Jim, the situation probably wasn't ideal; but Dean knew that it would be a great help. Cas was still going to the Thursday thing, but it was really just Dean and him spending time together; which they did more and more frequently. He was required to go to therapy twice a week and until the legal stuff was decided his mom was somewhere she would get help and not be able to hurt anyone.

It was working out fairly well, but Dean had this feeling like Castiel was just putting on an act. Pretending everything wasn't as bad as it really was, he knew he had to get him to open up about it. Till then he was taking it one day at a time.

"So how's living at Pastor Jim's?" Dean asks while they're sitting at the park, despite the chilly weather.

"Different," Cas supplies, looking out over the field.

"He still force you to make your bed every morning and chat over milk and cookies?" He smirks at his own, now fond, memories of his time with the Pastor.

The dark haired boy smirks a little at that, "Yes, it's like living with FDR and his fireside chats."

"Don't tell Jim that," Dean warns jokingly, "He might get out his wooden chair."

"It wouldn't surprise me," Cas rubs his hands together distractedly.

"We should probably get going… it's freezing out here."

"Hmm…" he hums.

"Come on, Pastor Jim will have my ass if I let you get sick," Dean helps Cas to his feet and slings an arm over his shoulder.

Cas stops abruptly, turning a pressing a quick kiss to Dean's lips. The act should have been odd, but he had gotten used to the random displays of affection that the kid would throw at him. Dean stopped him gently before he could walk away, deepening the kiss and extracting a soft thrum of pleasure from the dark haired boy then ending it as quickly as it started.

"You doing alright?" Dean questions softly, their foreheads pressed together as he searches the cobalt recesses of Cas's eyes.

"I'm dealing," He offers cryptically leading Dean towards the Impala, "Let's get back before I miss curfew."

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	13. I've bathed in sunshine

AN: It's short and it has a cliff hanger... but there's also naughty time, so that makes up for it right!

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><p>A few weeks go by and Cas seems to be doing fairly well, at least from Dean's stand point. He's been going to all his classes, his grades seem to be up, with some help from Sammy, and went he's not at school he's usually hanging with Dean. That fact alone means the drugs and other reckless behaviors have stopped.<p>

Another positive thing was that Dean and Cas where getting further into their relationship. Dean still was taking it slow due to all the shit that Castiel had been through, he didn't want to end up just another nameless face that took advantage of the kid; truth be told he was heading down the path toward loving him. It was sort of a scary thought considering the few past relationships he had, but it was a something.

The two men found themselves parked in a deserted parking lot, kissing languidly as the snow fell upon the black car. They were huddled in the back seat, Cas straddling Dean with his head bent so their lips could meet. Kissing was as far as they had gone, but the way they where rutting against each other in search of needed friction, Dean knew something was about to change.

Castiel's deft fingers slid down Dean's chest to the fly of his jeans.

"Cas?" Dean questioned roughly.

"Relax, Winchester," Castiel breathed huskily, "Slow right?" he smirked, bringing their lips forcefully together again.

Dean gripped his hips as he actively explored Castiel's mouth, the teen undoing both their pants and free their hardening erections. He gasps at the contact as Cas wraps his hand around both their cocks and starts to stroke them to completion. The pace is slow, but the act ends up being quick. The pair breathing heavily as they cum over Cas's hand, having thoroughly fogged up the inside of the car.

Sharing a kiss Castiel wipes his hand on Dean's shirt, smirking down at him, "Was that slow enough for you?"

"God, you're amazing…" he tells him earnestly, "Cocky, but amazing." He kisses Castiel chastely before they untangle themselves.

The two men compose themselves for a couple minutes then head back to the front seat. Cas had to be home in twenty minutes since it was still technically a school night. Dean couldn't wait till winter break started, just one more day.

He pulls up in front of Pastor Jim's house the two boys looking at each other for a beat, Dean pulling Cas towards him for another kiss.

"Night, babe," Dean tells him huskily.

"Goodnight, Dean," Cas tells him in his familiar monotone. He slips from the car and Dean drives off, heading home to have dinner with Sammy.

"You gotta sign my permission slip," Sam reminds him as they eat their spaghetti dinner.

"I'm on it," Dean says around a bite as he wipes his hands off on his shirt, since it was already soiled, and got up to get a pen. "What's this for again?" he asks as he signs the slip for his brother.

"We're heading to the city," He starts excitedly, "We get to tour the prison."

"Trying to scare you to keep on the straight and narrow," he jokes.

Sam rolls his eyes, "No it's for my law class, we get to see the prison and the court house… Hopefully a trial as well, that would be awesome!"

"Well, have fun bro!" Dean smiles genuinely. "So what fun things things you wanta do over winter break?"

"Sleep," Sam states.

"Ya, but besides that."

"I dunno, let's just wing it," he shrugs.

"I down for that," Dean nods.

The brothers settle into their routine of cleaning up after dinner, Dean watching TV while Sam does his homework. A comfortable silence settling over them before Dean's phone starts to go off, he quickly digs it out of his pocket.

"Hello?" He answers.

"Dean."

"Oh, he Pastor Jim… How's it going?"

"Is Castiel with you?" Jim asks his worry evident.

"No I dropped him off before his curfew."

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	14. Did you hear

AN: Sorry this is taking longer then usual... I was out of town and I'm having trouble getting back to things, but I'm trying! (So please bare with me)

Anyway, thank you all as usual, you're awesome! :D

ENJOY

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><p>"Never mind, he just walked in," Pastor Jim told him curtly, relief and disappointment evident in his town.<p>

"Good," Dean nodded, "I'll let you go." He hears the pastor start to question Castiel as he hangs up.

They hung up, Dean wondering where Castiel would have ran off to. He was glad he was back, but Dean couldn't help but kick himself for not making sure that the kid went into the house. That's when the worry started to creep back into his mind. What if Cas wasn't doing as well as they had thought or maybe it was all a clever act. It was hard to tell, for the stuff Dean knew about the kid there were still that many more things that he didn't.

It was frustrating to say the least, but he decided to give the kid the benefit of the doubt; until he got to the bottom of it anyway.

The next week was hell, Dean didn't get to see Cas at all due to the fact that Bobby was working him to the bone. Apparently December was a busy month for cars to break down, probably because of the snowy weather. When Saturday rolled around, Dean trudged back to the apartment. All he wanted to do was crash; it felt like he had been moving constantly for the entire week.

Doing his best not to fall through the front door, he shuffles past Sam; who's watching some holiday movie. He greets his brother with barley a grunt as he makes it into his room and falls on the bed. If Dean had his way he wouldn't move until Monday, which would not happen considering he had to take Sam to church tomorrow; one of the less pleasant conditions from Pastor Jim.

He sleeps all through the night, not moving from his spot and still in his boots when his stupid alarm goes off to signal the new day. Dean groans switching positions in order to slip off the bed and hop in the shower.

"Get up bro!" Dean shouts, unnecessarily on his way to the bathroom.

An hour or so later, the two brothers pile into the car and head of to church, riding in comfortable silence. Dean hoping he doesn't fall asleep through the service. After a fairly uneventful sermon the brothers wander to the meeting area to chat with Pastor Jim and see Cas.

"Hey," Dean smiles at them as he and Sam approach.

"Hello, Dean," Cas greets softly, not making eye contact; confusing the hell out of Dean.

"The service was really good," Sam offers to the Pastor.

"Thank you Sam," Jim beams, clapping him on the shoulder. "Oh, Dean," he switches focus, "May I have a word with you?" He motions.

"Sure thing," He smiles in acquiescence.

"We'll just be a moment," Pastor Jim assures Sam and Cas, leaving the two teens to talk.

"What's going on?" Dean asks the older man.

"I'm just concerned about you and Castiel," he starts, earnestly, "I know you've been a big help, but keeping him out all hours of the night; winter break or not," he shakes his head, "It's unacceptable."

"What?" He asks in confusion, "I've been working all week," he adds lamely.

"I know you care about him and you have been a big help, but it's important that he keeps to curfew… You understand," Pastor Jim smiles at him fondly.

"Ya," Dean nods, chancing a glance back at Castiel, "But like I said, I've been working… I haven't seen him all week," concern creeps into his tone, what was the kid doing.

"Really?" The older man's brow creases in concern.

"Yes, sir," he contemplates momentarily, "Do me a favor," he begins, "Let me see if I can get to the bottom of what's going on with him."

Pastor Jim is silent for a while, "Very well," he sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "However, unless this stops or you get to the bottom of this I will have to confront him."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Dean smiles at him reassuringly, as they turn and head back to the younger men.

"Dean, can we please go to the library this week?" Sam asked eagerly, "Cas was telling me about some new books that their getting in and I totally want to check them out."

"Sure thing, bro," Dean smirks at the kids nerdiness, "You free to hang out today, Cas?" He looks at him feigning nonchalance.

"I suppose," Cas rumbles, looking at the pastor as if to check that it's ok.

"That's a great idea," Pastor Jim nods at him, "I have things I need to do around the church today, you'd be bored anyway," he smiles, trying too hard to keep up the charade.

"Great," Sam smiles eagerly, "We could go to the library."

Dean groans audibly, not wanting to spend his afternoon at the library, especially since he was still tired and now had a trail of lies to get to the bottom of.

"They have a ton of movies we can check out too," Sam assures him, Dean perking up a bit.

"Thank god," he smirks, receiving an un-amused look from Pastor Jim, "sorry," he murmurs apologetically, "Shall we?"

"Have him back by 11," Jim calls after them.

Castiel nods curtly, as the three young men trail out of the throng of parishioners to exit toward the parking lot.

"How have you been?" Dean wonders trying to break through the kid's stoic silence, as he falls into step with him. Sam traipsing ahead of them.

"Adequate."

Dean nods, not quite understanding this mood or whatever that had fallen over Cas, "I missed you this week," he tells him gently, getting only a brief glance, "Works been crazy, with the weather and all," he hedges.

"Hmm…"

"Yea," Dean eyes him suspiciously, "So first week of break, what'd you do?"

"Slept… mostly," Cas adds cryptically.

"Right," he nods as they come up onto the car.

"Hurry up, man," Sam shouts, stomping his feet at the back door, "It's freaking cold."

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	15. You've seen

AN: Sorry this is so short, but it's what I got right now... I'm working some stuff out, so hopefully more updates ASAP!

As always thank you for the lovely feed back etc... keep it up! :D

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><p>They go to the library, Sam barley containing his enthusiasm as he runs inside ahead of Dean and Cas. Dean was pretty sure he hadn't been there in at least five years, but he figured a quick movie run wouldn't be so bad.<p>

"Where's did you say those books where?" Sam asked Castiel.

"This way," He leads the brothers.

While Sam is in awe of the new book section, Cas and Dean peruse a couple rows of old volumes.

"So…" Dean starts, trailing his fingers idly down Castiel's arm, "You gunna tell me what you've been up to this week or will I have to resort other methods?" He whispers, going for the seduction angle.

"Dean," Cas warns, giving him a cold glare.

"What?" He smirks, moving into kiss the younger man.

"This is a public place," Cas informs him, stopping Dean with a hand on his chest.

"Never stopped you before," Dean pulls back.

"Things change."

"No shit," Dean snaps, getting defensive, "Now stop avoiding the question."

"Keep your voice down," Cas reminds him, "And I'm not avoiding," he hisses.

"Then what?" he questions, "Where you out with friends?" Dean adds knowing full well that's not true.

"Not exactly," Castiel starts idly fingering the spines of the books as he looked at them.

Dean waits hoping he'll elaborate, "Damn it Cas," he shakes his head, "I was hoping you'd just tell me, but… I know ok." He starts, "You've been missing curfew and using me as your excuse and I want to know why!"

"That's what Jim talked to you about," Cas states.

"Yea, because he's worried Cas… we all are, we're here to help you!" He reminds the teen, "And that's a piss poor way of going about thanking a man who's feeding you and giving you a place to stay."

"What are you my mother now?" His eyes narrow at Dean.

"No, I'm your boyfriend… or so I thought, I really don't know anymore," Dean admits, "But given your moms track record you should be holding on to all the support you can get."

"Leave her out of this," His features darken, "I never asked for anyone's help."

"Ya, well you're getting it weather you want it or not, that's what people do."

Cas sneers at that, "If you where so concerned you could have at least called or texted this week."

"You know I had work," Dean almost shouts, growing defensive again before taking a breath. It was easy to forget that Cas was still just a kid in many ways. In teenager relationships no contact was a bad sign, "I'm sorry," he sighs.

Castiel still looks at him suspiciously, remaining silent when Sam pops up and interrupts them.

"There you guys are!"

"Yea Sammy…" Dean starts as he and Cas remain staring at one another, "Why don't you start picking some movies out and we'll meet you over there."

"All right, cool," Sam smiles turning away and leaving them alone again.

"I said I was sorry, Cas," he reiterates, "But if that's the only thing going on here then I'm the freaking pope!"

"Your holiness," Castiel bows at him sarcastically.

"Cute," he states sardonically, "You hanging out with those low life's again?" Dean prods, "Or is it drugs?"

Once again, they are interrupted; this time by an ornery looking librarian. "Gentlemen, you are being disruptive," She eyes them, "Keep it down… I won't tell you again."

The two men mumble their apologies and head over to the audio visual section to find Sam.

"This isn't over," Dean whispers to Cas.

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	16. Troubles with God

AN: I'm trying for at least one chapter a day to get back into the swing and finish this up... Also if you've been reading my other story that will be updated soon...

ENJOY

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><p>Once they get back to the apartment, the three guys get through one of the movies when Sam gets a call inviting him to a sleepover.<p>

"Can I go, Dean?" Sam pleads, with his hand on the phone.

"Yeah, why not," he shrugs, "It's winter break."

"Great!" He smiles telling his friend before racing to his room to grab his stuff.

"You need a ride?" Dean calls out to him, throwing his arm on the back of the couch behind Cas's shoulders.

"Nope, Mrs. Wyatt's coming to pick me up and drop me off."

"Sweet, one less thing for me to worry about," he smirks, taking a pull from his beer.

Ten minutes, and a horn honk, later Sam is bolting out the door with a hurried good-bye to Dean and Cas. Dean flips the channel to some boring history show in order to talk to the kid beside him.

"So…" Dean starts.

"To answer your previous question," Castiel blinks not looking at Dean, "No I'm not associating with low life's."

"And…" Dean leads, waiting for the answer to his other question, but receiving a blank head turn from the dark haired teen. "Drugs?" He sighs.

"Oh," Cas breathes softy, distractedly playing with his shirt sleeve.

"Oh?" He questions, watching him shuffle. Dean hadn't seen Cas's scars from the accident, but he knew they still bothered the kid. "That it?"

Castiel remains silent, his jaw set as Dean continues to scrutinize him hoping he'll reply. The silence stretches out, and Dean starts to take it as an affirmative.

"Have you been doing drugs?" He asks shakily, trying to keep his tone even.

The younger man bites his lip before squeezing his eyes shut as if he's fighting back his emotions, and then nods solemnly.

Dean blanches in disbelief, he doesn't know what to say or think even as he just stares at the teen in silence. "Wh…" He clears his throat for a beat, "Why?"

Cas shakes his head as if to say he doesn't know, and Dean just snaps.

"You tell me why, Castiel," He growls sharply, "You're shitting on everything that Pastor Jim has done for you… What I've done for you!" Dean inhales, "You almost died less than a month ago and I hate to break it to you, but this is not how you… Do you want kill yourself?" He almost adds again, but knows that goes without saying.

"No," Cas whispers, studying his fingers.

"Then explain it to me, because fuck if I understand," Dean shouts, pacing the floor, "One week and this is what you do!"

"I made sure I was sober around Pastor Jim… and you," He admits quietly.

Dean realizing that he had been doing this for longer than just a week, "Well thanks for that," he sneers, "Small miracles huh?" he bites out irately.

"I'm just sick of feeling!" Cas seethes, having enough of Dean's tirade. The two men glaring at each other, eye to eye, "I lie Dean ok, that's what I do! The sooner you can come to terms with that the better off you'll be!"

"No, I'm sorry, Cas… but that's not good enough," Dean yells right back at him, "There's more to it than that and you know it!"

"What do you want from me Dean?" He asks earnestly, his façade starting to crack.

"The truth, for starters," he admits.

"The truth," Castiel snorts bitterly, his eyes flashing dangerously, "You want me to tell you that for as long as I can remember I've been blamed for the death of a brother I'm not sure ever even existed! That I live with the fact that one day I could end up just like my mother or maybe I'm all ready there… or that I hate a man, that I've never met, and that anger fills me up more and more every day…" Tears start streaming down the teens face as he continues his tirade, "And yes I tried to kill myself, and I couldn't because of the fear of eternal damnation, from a religion I'm not sure I even believe in…" He inhales sharply trying to calm himself, "I can deal with living, but feeling…" A small sob escapes him as Cas starts to break down, "I took the drugs because when I'm numb I don't have to deal with the insurmountable loneliness."

The admission pulled at Dean's heart as he stepped forward and folded the younger man tightly in his arms as he broke down completely.

"You're not alone," Dean tells him softly, his mind racking with the new information and all the questions he wanted to ask, but knew had to wait.

"I don't want to be like this anymore," Cas states blankly into Dean's shirt, as the older man continues to console him the best he can.

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	17. For those left behind

AN: I'm sorry! Horrible writers block! There's probably one more chapter after this one... I do have a plan for another new story, but I'm trying to finish this one and the other one... thanks for being patient etc...

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><p>After Castiel's admission the two men slipped onto the couch, the teen clutching to Dean like a life until he fell asleep. Dean watches the steady breathing and the serene expression on Cas's tear stained face. He had so many questions for this amazing, broken kid in his arms and every fiber of his being wanted to never let him go. Dropping a chaste kiss to the top of the sleeping man's head, Dean slipped from his grasp and into the kitchen to call Pastor Jim and order food.<p>

"Hey Pastor," He greets when the religious man answers.

"Dean, is everything all right?"

"Yea, yea," Dean begins, "Um… look… I think I'm getting close to figuring this thing out with Castiel and I just was wondering if he could stay over tonight."

There is silence on the other end as the elder contemplates the request.

"I'll have him home before noon," he adds.

"Very well, if you believe it will help," Jim concedes, "Just be careful, Dean." He warns warily.

The two men hang up and Dean peaks into the other room to make sure Cas is still out before dialing to order some food. Hanging up, he turns around to find Castiel stirring on the couch.

"Dean?" The gravely tone inquires, sounding even deeper than usual.

"Yea, I'm here, babe," Dean comes around the couch to join the groggy man.

"Where you on the phone?"

Dean nods, "I ordered some food…"

"Ah," Cas replies meekly, the older man placing his arm around the teens slender shoulders and pulling him into his chest. "Do me a favor," he starts before Dean could talk, "Don't ask if I'm ok."

"How'd you…" Dean shakes his head feeling like the kid read his mind.

"I'm just tired of hearing it," he sighs weightily, "It's lost any meaning."

"I get it," the older man replies rubbing Castiel's arm comfortingly. "I just want to understand," Dean tells him, earnestly after a beat.

"Me too," Cas states, absently picking at his shirt sleeves again. He bites his lip as if deciding something, "I want you to…" he pauses inhaling sharply sitting up, "here." He slowly starts to roll up his sleeves to reveal the angry long cuts on his forearms that are still healing.

"Cas," Dean starts, unable to take his eyes off the scared flesh.

"You're the only one to see them… since the stitches came out," he admits, "It doesn't seem real sometimes."

The older man ghosts the pads of his fingers along the marred flesh, "Why me?" he asks dumbly.

Castiel's blue eyes meet his as a timid smile graces his features, "Do you really need to ask?" The teen reaches up, placing his hand gently on the side of Dean's face his thumb stroking gently before leaning in and bringing their lips together.

The kiss is soft and timid, naked, and for once Dean is sure that this is the real Castiel he was falling for; still is falling for. Dean breaks the kiss first, his hand at the back of the kids neck, "Thank you."

The pair are interrupted by the food arriving and after Dean eats most of the pizza, since Cas still didn't have much of an appetite, they resume their previous positions on the sofa. Castiel leaning against Dean as the older man idly traces the scars along his forearms, while watching some silly movie.

"Cas?" Dean asks.

"Yes, Dean?" Deep blue eyes look up at him.

Dean clears his throat, unprepared for the attention, "Um…" he hesitates unsure of how to word things. "Why… Are there other's?" he motions to the scars.

Castiel's gaze falls as he shuffles against Dean slightly before nodding solemnly. Fitting his fingers under the younger man's chin he brings his gaze back and places a soft reassuring kiss on his lips.

"Show me?" Dean whispers, causing the other's breathe to hitch.

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	18. Did you hear them singing in the end

AN: Thank you all, again, for your patience with this one... (it's been painful) This is the final chapter! I though about it being twenty Ch. but the tone of this one and everything just felt like a full circle ending...

ENJOY!

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><p>Afternoon was slowly fading into the darkness of a winter's night as the streets lights begin to flicker on. Dean remains on the sofa rapt, as the younger man stands before him. Cas's face unsure as he begins to undo the buttons of his dress shirt. The teen turns, his back facing Dean as he slides the fabric cautiously off his shoulders revealing a crisscross of scars etched into the pale olive flesh. Castiel stops, his back still to Dean and his shirt still around his wrists as if he can't bring himself take it off all the way.<p>

Silently, Dean rises and stands behind the slightly shorter man. His presence causing the teen to shiver slightly as Dean raises a cautious hand over the skin and drops a kiss to his shoulder. Cas inhales audibly as the older man trails his mouth down, over the raised lines.

"How?" Dean whispers gently as he reverently caresses the teen, earning him some small appreciative noises.

"R… repentance," Castiel stutters, breathily, "For my actions."

"Hmm," He hums against his back sadly, wondering how a mother could do this to a child.

Dean snakes his hand to Cas's prominent hip, thumbing it idly while his other hand slides against the taught skin on his stomach and chest. Castiel's head falling back against Dean's shoulder, the callused fingers tracing hot lines on the marked skin on the front of his body. A gasp escapes the teens lips as Dean's hands trail up his chest and down his arms to remove the shirt from the boys wrists. He drops it to the floor before stepping back, waiting for Castiel to be ready to turn around. Cas breathes out sharply at the loss of body heat, standing there for a beat.

Slowly, he starts to move. Dean's eyes watching intently as the dark haired man takes cautious steps to face him. The familiar blue eyes meeting Dean's briefly before fixing on the floor as he stands fully facing the older man; Dean bites his lip as he drinks it in. The long scars along his forearms looking darker in the fading light, as jade eyes scale up the sharp angles of the body. He can see faint old scars along the crooks of Cas's elbows, the tattooed words along his side he remembered seeing before along with the nipple piercing, more thin long scars along his hips and stomach, in the center of his chest was a large ornate scar that seemed to be some sort of symbol.

Dean stepped forward, hooking his fingers under Cas' chin to bring his blue eyes up to his green ones. "You're perfect," he tells him softly, pressing his lips to the slightly chapped ones chastely. The younger man returning the kiss hesitantly, as if he doesn't believe any of this is real. Breaking the kiss, the pairs eyes lock as Dean slips his hands into Cas's and takes a step back. Pressing a ghost of a kiss to each line upon Castiel's arms making his way up, Cas watching intently.

"These?" Dean asks, his lips against the hair thin lines at the teens elbows.

"Razor," Cas supplies, his heart beat quickening with each touch.

The older man licks his lips as he kisses up the teen's neck before bringing their lips together again, to calm and reassure. Castiel's slender fingers take hold of Dean's shirt before pulling it up and off; earning a smirk from the older man.

"It's only, fair," Cas breathes huskily, reaching forward to kiss Dean with hesitant dominance.

Dean kisses down Castiel's jaw and neck to the scar on his chest, peaking up at the younger man, waiting for the answer.

"Banishing sigil," he supplies, his chest rising and falling rapidly as Dean traces it with his tongue, "With an exact-o knife…"

The older man's stifles a gasp, at that information as he moves to Cas's piercing receiving an appreciative hum. Dean runs his knuckles along Cas's tattooed ribs while toying with the metal bar.

"Rejiciunt Caelis," Cas shivers.

"Meaning?" Dean asks against his skin.

"Heaven's reject… " Chuckling in self deprivation, "I told you some of the rumor's where true."

"If heaven doesn't want you, it doesn't exist," he whispers, earnestly.

They share another deepening kiss, before Dean drops on his knees in front of the younger man. "We don't have to…" he looks up, letting Cas know that they can stop whenever he wants.

The dark haired boy shakes his head, "This…" he licks his chapped lips, "I need this, need you to see me."

Dean kisses gently along the waist band of Cas's jeans before undoing them, the scars on his hips extending down a few inches. Once the jeans are around his ankles, Dean finds more razor lines on the teens thighs. Committing every line to memory and wishing he could take the pain scaring away from this beautifully broken man. Realizing that this was the first time that anyone ever really looked at Castiel, not only for who he was, but for what he bared.

"I love you, Cas," Dean admits, the man above him searching his eyes for a sign of a bluff.

"I'm not sure if I know how to return that," Castiel tells him solemnly, the truth behind those words sinking in. "But I trust you Dean."

Dean nods, "That will do," he smiles softly. He understands how difficult that can be when all you've been witness to is pain, and for right now trust is more important.

They take it slow, each touch and caress is reverent and honest as they explore one another. Making love on the living room floor, even if Castiel doesn't quite recognize the feeling yet. Dean decides that he will do everything he can to protect him and love him, even if he has to do it for the both of them. It's his mission, one he will complete even if it takes a lifetime to accomplish.

~Fin~

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